Here's how an interview with the next head coach of the Chicago Bears could go

The following is a highly unofficial transcript of our exclusive interview with the next head coach of our Chicago Bears:

Chicago Star: Welcome, coach, and congratulations on getting the job.  You must be thrilled and excited to get this opportunity.

New Coach: Not sure about “thrilled and excited.” Worried and concerned would be a better description. Have you seen their games this season?

Chicago Star: But I am assuming you are looking forward to the challenge?

New Coach: Painting my house last summer was a challenge. Spending a week with my mother-in-law is a challenge. Getting my kids off the computer and doing their homework is a challenge. This job isn’t a challenge, it’s a freakin’ monstrosity of epic proportions—like climbing Mt. Everest with one leg.

Chicago Star: So… then, what drew you to this job?

New Coach: You mean beside the deep-dish pizza? I’d say the Eli’s Cheesecake, Harry Caray’s pork chops and free tickets to Wrigley. Oh, and that cool elevator ride to the top of the Willis Tower.

Chicago Star: No, I meant about the Bears football team. What excited you about becoming the head coach of this storied franchise?

New Coach: Storied? I don’t know about that. I‘d say most of the “stories” of the Bears the last few decades have had some pretty scary chapters.  Have you seen the tapes of their games lately? And by the way, on that topic, can you recommend any spots in the city to have a good stiff drink after work?

Chicago Star: Well, you’re right, it will be a challenge turning around this team. So, what keeps you up at night?

New Coach: Our offensive line. Next question.

Chicago Star: What do you think of the team ownership situation?

New Coach: No comment.

Chicago Star: Did you have any other offers besides the Bears?

New Coach: Yes, I had one other offer, and it was from South Dakota A&I  (arts and internal medicine).

Chicago Star: So, why did you choose the Bears instead?

New Coach: Well South Dakota did offer more money, so it was tempting… but you know, that Eli’s Cheesecake and Malnatti’s Pizza is tough to turn down.  

Chicago Star: How were the contract negotiations with the Bears’ owners?

New Coach: No comment.

Chicago Star:  So, what would you consider the strengths of the team? What excites you after watching tapes of this year’s games?

New Coach: The punter. Next question.

Chicago Star: Really? Nothing else as far as positives?

New Coach: Yes, I was impressed with the giant American flag they spread out for the national anthem before the game. I thought that was pretty cool.

Chicago Star: What about working with the number-one draft pick from last year, quarterback Caleb Williams? What’s your first step?

New Coach: My first step would be to see if the Washington Commanders would trade for him straight up for Jaden Daniels. If not, we can then offer them Caleb, and our next 16 years of first round draft picks. Side note: My first choice for coaching was with the Washington, D.C., club, but you know, just too much political turmoil. On the other hand, if I knew Daniels was going to be that good, I think I could have put up with the Trump “you know what” show for the next four years.

Chicago Star: OK, looks like you got plenty of issues ahead of you, coach.  What is going to be your overall philosophy for dealing with all of this?

New Coach: Have you seen the new Dylan movie that is out now? Let me give you a clue: ”The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind—the answer is blowin’ in the wind.”

Chicago Star: Not sure what that means, coach?

New Coach: Likewise.

Chicago Star: All righty then. Just to wrap this scintillating interview up, any final parting thoughts?

New Coach: Yes, can you recommend a good financial advisor?

Chicago Star:  Not really, but the McCaskey family, the owners of the team, could probably help you with that. Want me to make a contact for you?

New Coach:  No comment.