Column: How (Not) to Fall in Love — A Hallmark Channel Original

His dating profile name was Yum Tasty Animals. That should be the end of the story, but sadly, it’s not. 

When I was 30 and drowning in debt, OKCupid was the newest free dating site. I signed up and matched with Greg, 37, aka Yum Tasty Animals, in December with hopes that I could have a Hallmark holiday movie romance.

However, Greg and I were not clicking over text, so I declined his offer to go out — four times. But after an afternoon filled with Dermot Mulroney, Holly Robinson Peete, and Lacey Chabert, I thought: What if Greg recently inherited a failing Christmas tree farm in Wisconsin and we need to deliver White Spruces in a blizzard in order to save the family business? With that, I agreed to meet Greg.

The night of our date, Greg told me he chose this particular restaurant as it was known for its meats. As he scoured the menu, he closed his eyes and slowly asked me, "Do you know what a charcuterie board is?" as if it were the latest invention. 

"Um, yes. Isn’t it just the meat and cheese plate?" I asked. 

He said since I was his guest that night, I could choose three of the five meats and he'd choose two. Don’t do me any favors, Yum Tasty Animals. 

Over the next hour, Greg talked non-stop with his eyes closed while I ate soppressata, salami, and mortadella. He was braggadocious on where he traveled and made it clear that he had a lot of money. He also told me he chose Yum Tasty Animals as his profile name because he lost 25 pounds on the Atkins diet. Holiday movie plot twist: Greg ordered the soft pretzels ... must have been a cheat day.

Greg seemed put off after I declined a third drink. I was put off when I remembered that Hallmark movies are filmed in Georgia in July. 

When the bill came, I reached for my wallet. Greg was for sure going to pay; I just had to offer to be polite. I had no issues splitting the bill, but Greg did ask me out four times; he had more drinks than I did. Not to mention, he told me I was his guest when picking out the exotic meats. And let’s face it, I was broke. I needed Greg to pay.   

Imagine my surprise when Yum Tasty Animals was tight-lipped as I threw my debit card on the table. 

Greg picked it up, closed his eyes and said, "It's really cool that a girl would go dutch on the first date." I fake smiled and thought, lucky for you, I am not into Lifetime movies: Maneater Kills Meateater.