Column: OCD and me

I worried a lot as a kid. Although outgoing, I quit after school activities for fear my mom would forget to pick me up. I ended every conversation with my dad by saying, “Wear your seatbelt.” 

I hated babysitting for fear the kids would choke on my watch. I despised being home alone, convinced someone was going to break in. 

As I got older, more “what if” thoughts came into my mind. I started to develop checking behaviors which made me feel safe. For example, if I pull on the door four times, then no one will break in. If I pull on it three times, all bets are off. Completely irrational thinking, but if I didn’t perform the behavior correctly, I’d be a ball of panic.

I knew I was a worrier, but in college, a therapist explained more. She said, “I’m actually diagnosing you with obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD.” 

At first, I was like, woah. I have something? Can I get out of class for this? Monica on “Friends” had OCD and she is so pretty… but then I started to question the diagnosis. I’m messy, I hate showering and I sit on toilet seats. So, I politely told her she was wrong, I was not a neat freak and I didn't have OCD.

“There are different types of OCD,” she said. “You have intrusive thoughts.” She then handed me a book called “The OCD Workbook.”  

I was miffed. OCD was not the mental illness I had envisioned for myself as an adult. I did, however, read the entire book that night. I felt such relief knowing there were other people like me. However, I didn’t want to admit I had OCD and never saw that therapist again. 

From that day on, I struggled with spirals of OCD: from driving everyone crazy with reassurance seeking to dangerous checking compulsions.

Fast forward nearly 20 years later: I hit an OCD rock-bottom during the pandemic and my therapist suggested an outpatient program, which years prior I had declined. It was Monday through Thursday, for three hours every evening. When would I work out or date or do stand-up? However, in 2020 none of my after-work activities existed, so I had no excuse not to attend the program; not to mention it was on Zoom. 

The outpatient program consisted of group therapy and practicing Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). ERP is a type of therapy that exposes people to situations that provoke their obsessions and the anxiety it causes them while helping them prevent their compulsions. For example, I used to take a picture of all my hair appliances before I left the house to make sure they were unplugged and could not start a fire. With ERP, I had to use my curling iron, turn it off,  keep it plugged in and leave my apartment without taking a picture. This would cause me so much anxiety; however, the more I practiced it, my anxiety went down and I no longer take any pictures of my hair appliances. 

The outpatient program was the best thing I ever did for myself. Truly life-changing. Do I still struggle with OCD? Absolutely. It’s a part of me; however, I now have the tools to manage it and have no shame in asking for help. If you’re struggling with OCD, know that help is available and more importantly, you’re not alone! Both me and Monica on FRIENDS had it and we’re doing just fine! 

Bridget McGuire is a Chicago-based storyteller, stand-up comedian and is a co-producer of “All That Good Stuff,” a traveling comedy show that started on the South Side of Chicago. Follow her on Instagram at @bmcguire82.