Column: Thankful for all the bad dates

Before I started doing comedy, I’d get really upset after bad dates. I only had myself to blame. I’d project a lot on my dates from text conversations and social media stalking. If a guy didn’t follow up for another date, I’d analyze every text he and I exchanged. I’d ask anyone who would listen for advice on the situation: my friends, my family, my co-workers, my therapist, people in line at Starbucks. But, now I laugh. Bad dates make for great comedic material.

After a second date with “Rob,” I declined his invitation to go upstairs for a nightcap. After that night, Rob began to pull away. He texted less and he wasn’t as friendly. I could tell he was on the verge of disappearing, so I decided to ask him what happened. He said I made him feel gross and unwanted when I said no to going upstairs. I laughed. “Get in line, Rob, that’s called being 39.” I’m thankful for Rob.

This winter on a dog-walking date, “Jake” yelled profanities at an older woman after she told him his dog should be on a leash. Her tone was snippy, but she wasn’t wrong. After his unexpected explosion of swears, she and I both nearly fell over. She asked me what was wrong with Jake. I said, “No idea, I just met him an hour ago.” She then said she’d pray for him that night. I said, “No, pray for me. I don’t know how I’m getting out of this date.” This bit has worked well. I’m thankful for Jake.

A man I met on Bumble asked to make me dinner for a first date. “Ken” and I had mutual friends from college, but I felt weird going to his apartment. I texted him letting him know that my grandpa was a Chicago police officer who always told me never to go to a stranger’s or Bill Cosby’s house, so I had to decline. I suggested a happy hour instead. Ken agreed. On the afternoon of our date, Ken texted, “I’m three double palomas deep. How’s your afternoon spinning?” My head was spinning. It was a dreary February day and Ken had been drinking double palomas by himself? I’m thankful for Ken.

I realize the majority of the world isn’t aspiring comedians who turn bad dates into jokes; however, my hope is that after all these ridiculous situations, one day, there’ll be a Rob who doesn’t get offended if I don’t go upstairs on a second date or a Jake who doesn’t swear at older women or a Ken who waits until happy hour for a double paloma. Until then, I’ll thank these men at my Thanksgiving dinner table.

Bridget McGuire is a Chicago based storyteller, stand-up comedian and is a co-producer of “All That Good Stuff,” a traveling comedy show that started on the southside of Chicago. Follow her on Instagram at @bmcguire82.