Ask Candid Candace: Supporting a withdrawing friend and embracing life amid illness

Dear Candid Candace:  I recently learned that a friend of mine in her mid-40s has Stage 3 breast cancer and will undergo a double mastectomy and radiation. Today I learned that a colleague of mine, also younger than myself, is a blood cancer survivor, yet unsure as to the longevity of his life. I’ve always heard that “today is a gift – that’s why we call it the present.”  Do you have any advice for remaining completely present in the moment, and enjoying and appreciating your life?  Signed- Seeking to be Present

Dear Seeking to be Present:  First off, I’m so very sorry to hear about your friends. It’s certainly times like these that make you think of your own mortality. Your letter is a poignant reminder of life’s fragility and the profound impact of our connections with others. Facing the realities of illness in loved ones can stir a deep desire to live more fully and authentically. Embracing the present moment is a powerful way to honor both their journeys and your own. And you are right; there is no truer quote than “today is a gift- that’s why we call it the present.”

Here are some practices that I think might help you lean in to being present in the moment and appreciating your life a little bit more.

1. Death meditation: Confronting your mortality might sound intense, but this practice, where you visualize everyone and everything in your life disappearing, can strip away trivial worries and spark profound appreciation for the here and now.
2. Forest bathing: One of my favorite things to do to center myself is visit nature. Touching trees and inhaling earthy scents can calm the nervous system and enhance sensory awareness. The old saying “stop and smell the roses” is popular for a reason.
3. Silent walking: Ditch the headphones and tech. A “silent walk” lets you tune into your surroundings and thoughts.
4. Music meditation:  Something as simple as listening to music boosts your endorphins and can be so relaxing- depending on the type of music you listen to!
5. Scavenger mindset: Treat every moment, even a “bad” one, as a treasure hunt. Look for something of value in it.
6. Silent sitting: Sit quietly, not meditating, just being and observe silence itself. Listening to silence sharpens attention and trains your mind to simply be without doing. This is something I am working on. Sometimes you just can’t shut off your mind but, if you try, it’s extremely calming and grounding. 

In other words, try to still the rest of the world and concentrate on yourself and your own emotions. If grieving, let the tears flow; if happy, rejoice- be in the moment and don’t ignore your feelings – whether they be good, bad or neutral- it’s what makes you feel alive.  

Dear Candid Candace: I am fortunate to belong to a close-knit group of girlfriends dating all the way back to high school. We are concerned about our friend who has not had much luck in the male department. It seems she’s become quite hyper-independent of late,  doesn’t want to spend time with our group anymore, travels solo and resists anyone’s offers to help her with a major house renovation. How do we handle this? Should we just keep inviting her to our events and offering to help with the house?  Signed: Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend: You are lucky to be a part of such a caring group of friends. Don’t give up on her. Hyper‑independence often comes from a place of survival, not strength. It may stem from trauma, fear of burdening others or simply a habit of self‑reliance. While it can masquerade as empowerment, it often hides exhaustion, isolation and mistrust of support.

1. Keep extending invites—light, consistent, no expectations. Make it clear you’re open but not upset if she declines. This signals caring without triggering defensiveness.
2. When you do share your concern, anchor it in your emotions, not her behavior. A psychological-expert suggests framing it from your experience:  “I miss hanging out with you. I feel a bit disconnected and wanted to say, I love you and I value our time together.” This invites real dialogue without casting blame.
3. Acknowledge that her independence is part of who she is—it’s not “wrong.” Saying, “I see how strong and capable you are,” validates her identity, making it easier for her not to feel judged when she needs a reprieve.
4. Keep performing regular check-ins. Small, predictable contact can hold your connection through her ebb and flow even when she self-isolates.
5. Share your own small needs. When you ask for help or support, it normalizes reciprocity. You might say: “Could you help me choose a paint color? I value your opinion.” You’re not just asking; you’re giving permission for her to lean in.
6. If her retreat deepens—no communication, withdrawal from all ties—it may signal emotional distress rather than independence. Gently suggest professional support or check in more frequently. You're not fixing her—but you can be an anchor.

In short, keep the door open without forcing it. Be gentle, loving and consistent and let your friend know that independence doesn’t mean walking alone. You’re right there, ready and waiting when she chooses to step back in.

Stay hopeful—I’m sure she knows she’s loved. 😊

(Ask Candid Candace is sponsored by Randolph Street Market. Send questions to Candace@CandidCandace.com) 

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