Family feuds: How to handle holiday drama

“You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”

Truer words were never said. And never are they more relevant than they are during the holidays, when many of us are thrown together with family and friends we may not have seen since last year’s family gathering—and for good reason.

The quote, an excerpt from Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird,” is often used to express the notion that we’re stuck with the motley cast of characters we were born into—whether we like it or not.

Oh, sure, there are a few among us who can’t wait to reconnect with their clan, or don’t need to, because they talk every day. They’re the besties gabbing in the corner or up playing scrabble after everyone else tapped out hours ago.

But for the rest, time apart, from at least certain family members, is a welcome reprieve. While the besties are singing “don we now our gay apparel” in front of the fire, the rest of us are donning our emotional battle armor in anticipation of holiday clashes over politics, religion or old family wounds.

It’s the mother-in-law and her not-so-subtle innuendos, who will never let you forget you’re not good enough for her son. It’s the father who makes it his personal mission to remind you, in no uncertain terms, who is “not my president” from one year to the next. It’s the rowdy uncle, who, after a few drinks, can always be trusted to tell you exactly how he feels about this or that.

Family conflicts are common and can make or break the holidays—if we let them. How to manage our feelings, become the best versions of ourselves and make it through the holidays unscathed by family conflict and drama, is the challenge. We consulted some Chicago experts on relationships and communication for their advice.

Right isn't might

We all want to be right. But striving to be right without concern for damaging an important relationship isn’t a win at all, said Aaron Cooper, Ph.D., of the Family Institute of Northwestern University. What can seem like a personal victory in the short term can become a long-term loss when an important connection is upset or severed completely. The alternative? Choose to be smart instead of right by putting “we above me,” Cooper said. Preserve the important connections in your life by keeping the welfare of the relationship in mind instead of winning at all costs.

Step away from the edge

It’s OK to step away from a group or situation that’s becoming stressful or causing anxiety, writes Ben Gronich, writer and lecturer from the Center for Personal Development. You don’t need to always be in the thick of things. Before visiting family for the holidays, map out places where you can go to seclude yourself for a time, whether it’s a private room, a walking path or nearby park, Gronich said. Sometimes it’s better to disengage than risk saying something you can’t walk back.

Don't take the bait

Like a social media stream, the big holiday dinner is a terrible space to engage in potentially explosive discourse, whether it be political or otherwise, according to Gronich. If you find yourself being pulled into a heated discussion, take a moment to ask yourself, “Where is this going? How is this going to end? Is it worth it?” If you don’t engage, the other party will lose interest. Try arguing with a brick—you won’t last long, Gronich said.

Set boundaries

It’s OK to set boundaries with family during the holidays, according to the team at the Lincoln Park Therapy Group (LPTG). It can take some fortitude to go against what’s expected of you or what you “always do” but it’s worth it if it means saving yourself and others stress or bitterness, the LPTG said. If all day feels too long for you, saying “I can make it for a few hours but need to leave by 6 p.m.,” is perfectly acceptable. If you find yourself in the middle of an argument, saying “I don’t want to leave, but I’m not staying if this continues,” can help de-escalate family drama.

We all have to manage family dynamics, and that sometimes means cordially being in the same space as people who have different viewpoints, beliefs or have hurt us in the past. But taking the high road is always a path to a better more peaceful place in our hearts. Outright ignoring family members or avoiding them like the plague might just prolong bitter sentiments for yet another year.

While Harper Lee’s quote says we can’t choose our family, the second part of her quote, that is often dropped, is that they are still family whether we acknowledge them or not. And it’s silly when we don’t.

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Republished from Dec. 7, 2022