How to engage children in conversation

When children have conversations with us on their own terms, it can help make them feel more comfortable talking.

From the perspective of clinical social workers, when we see children or teenagers in therapy we try very hard to help them experience being with us on their terms. We let them regulate the intimacy and trust rather than our being intrusive. This approach can be very helpful in getting to know the children in your life.

Let’s take, for example, a grandfather who does not see his grandson frequently. Understandably, the child, let’s call him Johnny, may be a bit shy.  Ideally, Grandpa will be unobtrusive and respectful of the child’s experience; he would not ask questions that require a direct answer from Johnny. Grandpa might begin by saying, “It’s really good to see you, Johnny.  Maybe we could hang out here a little while.  Would you like to look around the house?  I have a bunch of toys in the living room that your dad had when he was little, and some new ones, too.   And if you are hungry we could take a look in the kitchen and see what we could find together.”

Then Grandpa would take his time, go slowly, and not rush Johnny.

The point is to stay a step behind Johnny and follow his motives.  Grandpa would not introduce his own motives, and he would try to give Johnny whatever he might ask for even if he is a little surprised by the request — unless it might be harmful to Johnny.

For instance, if there was fruit on the table but Johnny asked for ice cream, Grandpa would happily give ice cream.  If there was no ice cream, it might give them a chance to go to the market and get some together.

The point is, if you want to have a comfortable and easy relationship with a child, it is essential for the child to develop trust in you. The more trust there is, the easier it is for children to talk about what is important and, perhaps, troubling to them.

It is best to say yes as often as possible.  And if you have to say no, it helps first to recognize the child’s motives before declining the request. For example, say, “I can understand why you might want that,” and, if possible, offer the child a positive alternative such as granting the request at another time when it works better for both and is safe.  As the relationship of respect develops, trust awakens and the child’s natural human motive to communicate his or her feelings will emerge.

The ideas above are informed by the theory in “The Smart Love Parent” by Drs. William J. and Martha Heineman Pieper. These ideas have been tested over and over and definitely help increase the trust and communication between children and their caregivers.

Walter D. Miller, LCSW, is a clinical social worker on the New Eastside who specializes in work with children, adolescents and their parents. He may be contacted at 312-856-0230.