Resolving Marital Conflict

This very touching question is perhaps the single biggest motivator to people seeking couples’ therapy.  No two people can live together for an extended time without periodic disagreements and upset.  But for too many of us, the disagreements lead to alienation that can cause a marriage to falter and crumble. That does not have to be the outcome.

As with raising children, most of us just wing it as we try to love and be loved by our partners.  We have no education or preparation for this most important relationship and often simply count on what we heard as children, which may not have been a very good model for a successful marriage.

So if their relationship is slipping or deteriorating, the wise couple will seek help to enhance their mutual intimacy.  In couples’ therapy there is one precept that is particularly helpful.  It can also be helpful before the relationship becomes so stressed that professional help is necessary.

If you and/or your partner are feeling distant and dissatisfied with your conflict resolution, agreeing on this precept can help you at home as you address your concerns.  Begin your discussion with a version of this statement: “I love you and when we are done talking today, my primary goal is to feel closer and more loving toward you.”

Then the content of the conflict becomes secondary, and both parties can know their primary goal is to treat each other with respect and kindness, even if the problem is quite annoying and difficult.

Should things begin to heat up again as the conversation continues, it helps to agree in advance to reiterate the primary goal, perhaps take a break and return to the problem after giving each other time to think about it.

If you do the above work before you are hopelessly angry and discouraged, it can make it much easier to resolve problems.  It is also helpful to ask your partner in advance “if now is a good time to talk.”  If not, find a time that works for both of you.  You may find that after  you have eaten a meal together conflict can be more easily resolved.

If after many tries that do not lead to more closeness you cannot find a common motive to work toward a resolution, don’t give up.  That is the time to seek marital or relationship counseling.  Three minds are very often better than two.  It takes work, but couples who learn to deal with conflict by becoming closer have discovered the secret of true intimacy.

— Walter Miller, Community Contributor

Walter D. Miller, LCSW, is a clinical social worker on the New Eastside who specializes in work with children, adolescents and their parents. He may be contacted at 312-856-0230.