In case of emergency your seat cushion can used as a flotation device

Chicagoans are once again flying the friendly skies.

Air travel at both O’Hare and Midway airports has returned to pre-pandemic numbers, and in some cases, it’s even greater than before.

As a great purveyor of people-watching and the wonders of human behavior, I have always found airports to be equal parts entertaining, enlightening and frustrating.

Some examples?

I watch in the waiting area as the lady at the counter tries to fend off an angry customer who seems to be demanding an “upgrade.” My thoughts? Getting me to my stated destination on time—and safely—is the only “upgrade” I need.

I get to the gate extra early. Others do as well, and I watch them sit for a long time while waiting to board. My thoughts? You are going to be sitting for the next couple hours on a plane with nowhere to move. Get up, walk around and burn some calories.

Our nice flight attendant hands me a bottle of water and a granola bar. My thoughts? Maybe I should have called ahead and ordered an “upgrade” to seltzer water and a protein bar.

I watch people with their carry-on luggage struggling to fit it all in the overhead storage compartment. My thoughts? It’s unbelievable how much stuff people pack into these oversized bags. It has almost become an artform. Never has so much been squeezed into such a small space since Dolly Parton went out on her first bra-buying expedition.

I sit next to the person who has a special pre-approved “comfort pet.” In this case, it’s a small dog, but the kind that stares at me with that “one false move and I’ll bite your head off ” look. Very uncomfortable. My thoughts? Next time I fly I am calling the “Rent-A-Comfort Pet” service agency and ordering “The Bull Terrier Special.”

When the safety instructions are announced and I hear my favorite phrase—“Remember, in case of emergency, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.” I happen to be sitting next to a very large, overweight young man. My thoughts? If we do hit water, forget about my seat cushion—this guy will be my flotation device.

I look around the completely filled and crowded plane, and I am one of the only ones wearing a mask. My thoughts? Uh oh, I think I just hit my allotted word limit for this column.

Jon Cohn is a New Eastside resident. Email ideas for Jon to [email protected]