New truths for new times

Boy, were we ever wrong. We’ve been misleading our young adults about certain life skills which we’ve assumed were gospel. But it turns out that the self-congratulatory conferences, the unending TED lectures, the entrepreneurial liturgy and business press, and, of course, celebratory media of all kinds have led us astray.

We’re starting to see that the next generation is likely to pay a heavy price for our misplaced certainty that all tech advances are terrific, and that tech is simply an innocent and neutral tool.

Unless we—as parents, managers and business owners—take some aggressive steps to change the valueless daily messaging which floods every channel, and update the role models flaunted before our children, we will lose control of the conversations and completely surrender our kids’ futures to algorithmic manipulation dictated solely by greed and commercial considerations.

We need to move immediately to revise the current conversations around 3 primary ideas.

Self-Confidence versus Resilience

We’ve told the world that the most critical capability we need to build and nurture in our kids is abundant and unflinching confidence and that even talent and hard work are no substitutes for self-confidence. It’s the pervasive power of positive thinking. We set up systems so that the kids were all winners, all the time, in every way. Trophies for Tommy and tiaras for Tammy.

But we weren’t actually setting our offspring on life’s journey with a genuine grounding, some serious values, and a firm foundation; we were building in levels of delusion, a belief system based on shortcuts and side deals, along with eggshell fragility and emotional rigidity which risked making millions of them wholly incapable of dealing with the inevitable setbacks, failures and disappointments which are just as important to maturity, growth and ultimate success as any wins encountered along the way.

Instead of constantly pitching confidence, we should have been preaching persistence, perseverance and, above all, resilience. Getting up, getting over things, getting on with it, and getting back into the game. In a word, G.R.I.T. – guts, resilience, initiative and tenacity.

Single-Mindedness versus Optionality

We also told the world that everything was about a narrow and powerful focus – a single-mindedness and unstinting effort addressed to an identified goal – the be-all and end-all, which was make-or-break, and which had every bit as much to do with our own self-worth as it did with the prospects of our futures.

But we know now that fierce focus can be too much of a good thing. Blinders, short-sightedness, ignorance of collateral damage and secondary effects, a constant pressure to be bigger rather than better, moving recklessly and too quickly, and taking things so personally that you lose sight of far too many other things of equal or greater importance.

What we need to be telling the newbies today is that it’s all about optionality, choices, alternative plans, and widening the consideration sets rather than doubling down and putting all your eggs (as well as your own self-esteem) in one basket. We can’t have our young people fold up and collapse at the first hiccup or bump in the road because they weren’t prepared practically and emotionally to roll with the punches, to make the best of everything they encounter, and to quickly and seamlessly move on to Plan B or C.

Building and constantly maintaining a basket full of options and choices, working on several alternative approaches and solutions at the same time is the very best way to prepare for the unavoidable and inevitable failure of some of the very best laid plans. This lets them learn to bend effectively with changes rather than breaking abruptly as soon as things don’t go their way.

D.I.Y. versus Help Wanted

In the old John Wayne world, it’s always about the solitary hero—the one-man band—who gets the job done and single-handedly saves the world, or whatever. The point is that we don’t show our kids that it’s smart for the hero to ask for help. It’s always a last resort rather than top of mind and that may be great storytelling, but it’s a stupid real-world strategy. And worse yet, since our kids have never been permitted to “fail,” they’re unprepared, ill-equipped, and basically unable to ask for assistance even when they desperately need it.

We’re told that asking for help is a hindrance and a sign of weakness and failure and that unfortunate message is everywhere. Kids don’t share their fears and concerns today and they don’t tell their parents or other adults. Employees see plenty, but they’re reluctant or afraid to speak up even when we ask. In every case the fear of embarrassment and the peer pressure issues are simply too much to overcome.

Here again, what needs to be done is no mystery. In our businesses, we should tell our teams that there are only two kinds of failures which are unrecoverable: failing to ask for help and failing to help when asked. We need to tell our teens the same thing. We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

The best entrepreneurs know that asking for help isn’t giving up or giving in—it’s refusing to give up. And frankly, if we really want to equip our kids and our young employees with the tools to succeed, we need to teach them to ask for help early and often and that there’s no shame in the asking because these days nobody succeeds by themselves.

It takes strength and courage to ask for help. You need to be realistic, face the facts and stop kidding yourself. You need to put your ego and pride aside. You need to forget about what friends and family will think.

And you need to understand that “I need help” may actually be the bravest words that anyone can say.