Parents’ back-to-school survival guide (spoiler: you won’t)

Back-to-school season has arrived: Target looks like a war zone, kitchen calendars suddenly resemble air traffic control boards, and children have developed mysterious illnesses with symptoms that cause deathly allergic reactions to mornings, math, and anything that involves leaving the house before 10 a.m. For parents trying to survive this annual rite of chaos, here’s a no-nonsense, slightly unhinged guide. It may help, and it may not, but hopefully it will muster a giggle or a smile at the least.

1. School Supplies: The Modern Hunger Games

Parents think they’re prepared. They bought pencils, folders, and glue sticks back in July when the stock was abundant and the prices were almost free. Wrong. Teachers send home a new list on Day One that includes obscure items, such as a chartreuse 2 ¾-inch three-ring binder or a labradorite pencil sharpener that doubles as a healing crystal, only available on Goop for $150. By the time parents find these, they’ve aged ten years and penned an entire new chapter of curse words for the dictionary.

2. Lunch Prep: Gandhi Part II

Pinterest lied. Kids don’t want bento boxes filled with star-shaped cucumbers and midnight sushi rolls lovingly crafted while the rest of the family snores peacefully in their beds. They want Doritos, Flaming Hot Trash, and genetically modified Pop-Tarts, or nothing at all. Parents quickly learn their lovingly packed meals are destined for the trash, or worse, traded away for a single Oreo at the lunch table.

3. Homework: Time to draft your resignation letter from parenthood

Homework is where parenting dreams go to die. I am reminded of an expertly hilarious rendition of parent-child bonding over math that I saw on Instagram. (You have to watch this!) Parents find themselves explaining long division in a tone that belongs to a hostage negotiator. Children argue, “That’s not how the teacher does it.” At that point, parents Google “new math” and pricing quotes for witness protection programs. Survival tip: wine. Or tutoring. Possibly both.

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4. The Car Line: Carpool purgatory

Drop-off and pick-up lines are society’s great equalizer. Parents witness people cutting, parking like they just got their license from a cereal box, and that one dad who thinks rules are optional. You’ll spend more time in the car line than you did in labor. Bring snacks. Maybe a podcast. Definitely prayer beads.

5. Extracurricular Activities: Gateway to bankruptcy

Children somehow manage to join soccer, band, robotics, and possibly underwater basket weaving. For the next ten months, parents basically live in their cars. By November, the drive-thru crews at McDonald’s and Wendy’s will know their orders by heart, and might even get an invite to Thanksgiving while gas bills rival mortgages. And forget decorating for fall; no one’s home to enjoy it anyway.

6. The Morning Routine: Les Misérables 2025 Revival

Children waking up for school put on a Broadway-level performance. There’s drama, tears, shouting, and endless wardrobe changes. By the time they are dressed, fed, and semi-conscious, parents deserve a Tony. In my house, my middle son always lost his shoes--every day until freshman year of high school. I tried everything short of nailing his shoes to the floor at the foot of his bed.

7. Parent-Teacher Conferences: Smile, nod, and save the curses for the car

Parents expect glowing praise; instead, they hear their child is a “social butterfly” (translation: talks too much) or “very energetic” (translation: bounces off the walls like a caffeinated squirrel). Keep in mind that the teacher is trying to survive, too.

The Postmortem

Back-to-school survival isn’t about perfect organization, patience, or even Mommy’s Friday night wine club. It’s about lowering expectations and remembering that every parent is just as frazzled. And if parents make it through September without planning their own kidnapping--congratulations! Expert Parenting Level 10 has been achieved!