What three things do you want for your funeral?

A few months back, I was visiting a distant relative. Well, not really a relative, but the husband of a distant relative. Actually, not that distant, because they live in Indiana… but I digress.

At some point, and I have no idea how, the subject of one’s funeral came up.  This particular person… let’s call him “Denny” (because that is his actual name), said that he had long thought about his own funeral and had clear instructions for his wife upon his passing.

In no uncertain terms, “Denny” (that is his actual name)said, “My funeral is going to have top-shelf drinks, heavy hors d'oeuvres, and polka music.”

That’s not bad, I thought. Simple, solid, definitive and specific.

This guy clearly has a plan, and beyond that—it sounds like a pretty good plan and a one heck of a party! Which is exactly what “Denny” (It’s his real name—why do I keep using these parentheses?) precisely wanted his funeral to be.

So, it got me thinking. If and when—OK, when I pass away—what would I like my funeral to be?

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I read where one dad had told his kids he was going to leave whatever money he had left to them, but before that, he was going to throw the most expensive funeral he could possibly have. The kids weren’t thrilled with that, but it sounds like it could be a fun time-–for the funeral attendees.

Getting serious for just a second, thinking about dying and not being here anymore is a very personal thing. To some it can be scary, to some down right depressing, to others spiritual—maybe even uplifting, and to many of the younger readers out there, probably not something that they spend a whole lot of time thinking about.

But the bottom line is we are all here but for a brief time. In the big scheme of things, our lives are but a tiny blip on a big screen, and when we do pass on, yes, friends and family will be saddened and mourn accordingly (we hope). But after that? In a week or a few weeks, people get on with their lives, and you become but a pleasant (again, we hope) memory.

None of us are that important. Nobody is ageless, and as the old saying goes, “Death is still undefeated.”

So, getting back to my friend Denny (Aren’t you proud of me? No quotes this time!), who stated in no uncertain terms that his funeral will be top-shelf drinks, heavy hors d’oeuvres, and polka music. Specific, definitive and clearly with the message of not wanting people sitting around sulking during his funeral.

It started me thinking of what three things I would want for my funeral. How many of us have even really thought about that?

Just for fun, I have listed at the end of this column some examples that some notable folks might pick for their funerals (sticking with the “three things” theme).

As for me? I am following Denny’s lead, except with one detour. I like the top-shelf drinks and the heavy hors d'oeuvres, but instead of polka music, my funeral party music will have an ’80s Bee Gees disco theme, with dress to match.

Good times. 

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Here are some famous folks and their possible “three things to have at a funeral.”

Ben Johnson, head coach of our Chicago Bears: 1) A Green Bay Packer giant-sized cake cut forcibly into 3,954 pieces (preferably with a very sharp knife); 2) A casket with a Bears logo signed by all the players, and 3) a big group huddle of everybody in attendance, as they shout out at the top of their lungs in unison, “Good, Better, Best!” right before the casket is lowered into the ground.

Dwayne “The Rock “Johnson: 1) No bar drinks, but protein powder beverages for everybody; 2) A barbell in front of the casket, so you can do a quick set of lifts while waiting to pay your respects; and 3) dress would be casual, preferably sleeveless.

Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson: 1) Big, expensive band (paid for by top-level Chicago corporate executives); 2) A full buffet including lobster, steak and a chocolate fountain for dessert (paid for by top-level Chicago corporate executives); and 3) Agold-plated top-line expensive casket (paid for by top-level Chicago corporate executives).

Basketball star Stephen Curry: 1) Have a three-point shooting contest outside the church (winner sits in the front row with wife and kids); 2) A dunk tank inside the church with Shaq ( 7-foot-tall, 300-plus-pound ShaquilleO’Neal) sitting on the platform, waiting to get dunked; and 3) A casket shaped likea “3” (with his legs curled accordingly to fit).

Donald J. Trump: 1) A big Trump banner outside the church, just in case they didn’t know whose funeral they were going to; 2) Heavy appetizers, featuring Trump crabcakes, Trump wings, Trump dip, Trump chips (you get the idea); and 3) a casket that he would call “by far the best casket ever made. It’s not even close. This casket is so much better than anybody else’s…”