Ask Candid Candace: Making Mother’s Day special without gifts and guilt

Dear Ask Candid Candace: My mom says she “doesn’t want anything,” but I still want to make the day special without the usual flowers-and-brunch routine. Help! Signed- Trying Hard to Please

Dear Trying Hard to Please: How many times do we hear this from mom? Translation: “I don’t need gifts, I need love, effort and maybe a little sleep.”

If your mom truly doesn’t want “stuff,” give her what moms secretly crave most: time, memories and feeling seen.

Try one of these instead:

• Create a memory moment. Plan an experience based on her interests such as a garden tour, museum stroll, tea service or a scenic walk followed by coffee and dessert. Too often, we plan this day around what we like but it IS her day after all!
• Write the letter you’ve never written. A heartfelt note telling her what she’s taught you will mean more than any bouquet ever could.
• Make her life easier for a week. Schedule a house cleaning, stock her fridge or create a “Mom Coupon Book” she can redeem later.
• Give her a nostalgic gift. Digitize old photos, frame a favorite family snapshot or recreate a childhood recipe together. 

The secret: shift from presents to presence. That’s what she really means when she says she wants nothing.

You may also like these related Chicago Star articles: 

• Ask Candid Candace: Woman can’t move on after being ‘jilted’ by social media friend

• Ask Candid Candace: Trouble with contractors and tips for how to get the family to enjoy a baseball game

• Ask Candid Candace: Wife turned off when husband is online

Dear Candid Candace: I’m a busy working mom who ends up planning Mother’s Day for everyone else. Is it selfish to want a day that actually feels restful and about me? Signed: Hopeful 

Dear Hopeful: Selfish? Not even a little. After all, it is called MOTHER’S DAY, not “how can I make my day special for everyone else”! Duh. Here’s the truth many moms feel but rarely say out loud: Mother’s Day often becomes another day of emotional (and physical) labor. And the irony is real.

You’re allowed to want quiet, help, a nap or someone else in charge. 

The key is to ask clearly and early. People aren’t mind readers. Try this script: “This year, what I’d really love for Mother’s Day is a day where I don’t plan anything. I’d love a slow morning and some family time in the afternoon.” Simple. Kind. Direct. 

Also remember: Mother’s Day doesn’t have to happen in a single 24-hour window. Celebrate your mom Saturday, your in-laws Sunday brunch and claim Sunday evening as sacred couch time. Split the day and ditch the guilt. 

Because a rested, appreciated mom is the whole point of the holiday.