Ask Candid Candace: Spooky season starts early, and Mom's demands never end

Dear Candid Candace: It's only September, and my suburban neighbors are already planning their Halloween costumes, cocktail parties and competing neighborhood extravaganzas. Is it just me, or A) are these Halloween plans too soon and B) has it become more about the adults than the children? Some of these gatherings sound more like spring breaks than a holiday that once revolved around trick-or-treating and adorable little ghosts and goblins.

Meanwhile, the kids seem to be getting pushed to the sidelines, with some parents hiring babysitters so they can party and others apparently forgetting that someone still needs to be responsible for the little ones. There’s also the matter of neighborhood politics. Around here, skipping a party can earn you a cold shoulder for weeks.

Do we just surrender to the madness, or is there a way to bring a little more family-friendly fun back to Halloween without becoming the neighborhood pariahs?  Signed, Already Halloweened Out

Dear Already Halloweened Out:

First off, yes, we have barely had a chance to enjoy Labor Day when these Halloween plans spring up all too soon. And apparently, the neighborhood Halloween festivities have now become a competitive sport, complete with elaborate costumes, cocktail menus and the unspoken threat of suburban exile for anyone who declines an invitation.

I say take a deep breath, put down the pitchfork and remember that you are allowed to celebrate Halloween without signing up for every adult party on the block. 

If you want to offer an alternative without an adults-only theme, why not organize a little old-fashioned trick-or-treat gathering, a pumpkin-decorating afternoon or a family costume parade? You might be surprised how many parents would welcome an excuse to enjoy the holiday with their children without having to arrange a babysitter. 

Subscribe to Chicago Star’s Weekly City Buzz Newsletter

And if you do attend one of the grown-up gatherings, you could always arrive dressed as a designated driver. Just kidding. Mostly.

I do understand your frustration, though. Somewhere along the way, Halloween seems to have acquired a second identity as an adults-only excuse to party. There’s nothing wrong with grown-ups enjoying themselves, of course, but the holiday can accommodate both a spirited cocktail party and a memorable evening for the kids.

As for the neighborhood shunning? Let them clutch their forked tails. You can be friendly, gracious and still decline an invitation. A polite “Thanks so much, but we have other plans” is a complete sentence.

My advice is to make Halloween your own. Keep the traditions you love, create a few new ones and don't let fear of missing out dictate how you spend the holiday. However, the little ones won't be little forever, and those are the memories worth holding on to.

You may also like these related Chicago Star articles: 

• Ask Candid Candace: Woman can’t move on after being ‘jilted’ by social media friend

• Ask Candid Candace: Trouble with contractors and tips for how to get the family to enjoy a baseball game

• Ask Candid Candace: Wife turned off when husband is online

Dear Candid Candace: I’m worried about a family I’ve known and loved for years. A few months ago, Audrina became a widow, and I know she is dealing with a tremendous loss. But the family dynamic has become increasingly difficult.

Audrina has always had a demanding relationship with her two daughters, and since her husband died, both women have been putting their own lives on hold to meet her needs. One daughter spends Saturday with her, the other takes Sunday, and the weekends revolve around keeping Mom entertained. They are also helping prepare her house for sale.

Both daughters have families of their own, yet their time and attention are increasingly being directed toward their mother. Audrina has few friends or hobbies and refuses to consider retirement groups or other organized activities.

I feel terrible for everyone involved. How can the daughters support their grieving mother without sacrificing their own families and well-being? And is there anything a concerned friend like me can do? Signed, Concerned and Helpless

Dear Concerned and Helpless:

It sounds as though Audrina's daughters have inadvertently become full-time cruise directors, with Mom expecting a full itinerary every weekend. That's a lot of pressure, even for the most devoted daughters.

First, let's acknowledge the obvious: losing a spouse is heartbreaking, and grief doesn't follow a convenient timetable. Audrina deserves compassion, patience and support as she adjusts to a very different chapter of her life.

But compassion doesn't mean her daughters must put their own families on permanent hold. They can love their mother deeply without being available every Saturday and Sunday. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

If the daughters haven't already done so, a kind but honest family conversation would be a good place to start. They can explain that they want to remain involved and supportive, but the current arrangement isn't sustainable. Rather than framing it as a withdrawal of love, they can present it as a way to create a healthier routine for everyone.

A more manageable schedule could help, too. Perhaps the daughters alternate visits, agree on certain weekends or plan shorter get-togethers during the week. They might also set aside specific times to work on the house sale, rather than allowing the project to consume every available weekend.

And what about helping Audrina discover a life beyond her daughters? She may not be interested in a retirement group, but perhaps she'd enjoy a class, a book club, volunteering, a neighborhood gathering or a regular lunch with an acquaintance. A grief support group or counselor could also offer a place to talk with people who understand what she's experiencing.

As her friend, you might gently encourage her to try something new or invite her to join you for an activity. Sometimes a little companionship and a fresh routine can make the world feel less overwhelming. Just remember that you can offer support without becoming another person responsible for filling every hour of her calendar.

The bottom line? Grief deserves tenderness, but boundaries deserve respect, too. The daughters are allowed to have lives of their own, and Audrina may ultimately benefit from developing sources of companionship and purpose that don't depend entirely on them.

Have a question for Candid Candace? Send it to [email protected] and follow @CandidCandace on Instagram.

Ask Candid Candace is sponsored by Randolph Street Market.