Ask Candid Candace: When friends freeze you out and he won’t commit

Dear Candid Candace: My friend group has started going out without me and I only find out from Instagram posts the next day. No one has said anything directly, but it feels intentional. Do I confront them or just take the hint? Signed: Feeling Left Out

Dear Feeling Left Out:  Social media has so many pros and cons and this is definitely a con. Sorry you have to be surprised this way. But, before you assume a full-blown social exile, take a breath and consider the possibilities. Friend groups shift, plans get last-minute and sometimes people are just thoughtless rather than malicious. That said, patterns don’t lie. If this keeps happening, it’s not a coincidence, it’s a message, albeit a cowardly one.

You have two choices. You can gracefully distance yourself and invest your energy where it’s reciprocated (highly recommended), or you can call it out calmly and directly. Not accusatory, not dramatic, just curious. Something like, “I’ve noticed I haven’t been included lately, is everything okay?” Their response will tell you everything you need to know. Real friends will course-correct. The rest? Consider them a chapter, not the whole story.

You may also like these related Chicago Star articles: 

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Dear Candid Candace: I’ve been dating someone for six months who still won’t define the relationship. He says he “doesn’t like labels,” but expects all the benefits of a committed partner. Am I being unreasonable for wanting clarity? Signed: Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used: Unreasonable? Please. You’re not the unreasonable one here. “Not liking labels” is often code for “I like things exactly as they are, with zero accountability.” Six months is more than enough time to know if someone wants to claim you publicly and emotionally. If he’s enjoying the perks of a relationship while dodging the definition, he’s essentially leasing, not buying.

Clarity isn’t pressure, it’s respect. You deserve to know where you stand without needing to decode vague language or read between the lines like it’s a mystery novel. Tell him what you want, plainly and confidently. “I’m looking for a defined relationship. If that’s not where you are, I need to reconsider this.” Then watch what he does, not what he says.

A man who wants you won’t risk losing you over semantics. And if he does? Congratulations, you just freed up your calendar for someone who knows exactly what to call you: his.

(Ask Candid Candace is sponsored by Randolph Street Market, watch for next market coming May 23/24! Send questions to [email protected])