Bears fans: In case of emergency, open this

OK, Bears fans, time to talk you off the ledge. 

Yes, what looked to be a season of great hope and optimism a few weeks ago has turned into a rapid descent of nightmarish proportions in the first two weeks.

Eventually, some emergency procedures may need to be installed (more on that later), but first, a quick recap of what has happened so far, and why some folks need to be talked off the ledge:

A quick warning in advance: It might be best to get the kids out of the room before reading this.

In short? (Cue the music.) The offensive line has been more jumpy than the kids at the Chuck E. Cheese bouncing ball machine; our generational quarterback might have skipped a generation; the tight ends are seen less than the tooth fairy come morning time; the running backs are putting a capital M on the word “mundane;” the new exciting rookie skill position players are getting about as much attention as Timothée Chalamet at a weight loss convention; and offensive genius and play-calling guru new coach Ben Johnson seems to be trapped inside the extremely limited minds of the dreaded ghosts of Bears offensive coordinators past—in what has been a long history of nauseatingly bland play-calling.

And folks, believe it or not, those are the positives so far! It might be hard to believe, but it gets worse!

The defense has been shredded like parmesan over a bowl of fine spaghetti; the pass rush has been so gentle it could be titled “Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte,” or better yet “Shh, Don’t Wake The Baby;” the only game the linebackers have been adept at so far is “hide-and-go-seek;” and the defensive backfield has been so polite in letting the other team catch the ball they now have their own chapter in the revised edition of Emily Post’s “proper etiquette and manners” book.

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I mean, it has really been a tough first couple of weeks.

Throw in a sadly underperforming special teams unit, and you can see the need for emergency precautions, just in case this season continues on this rapid descent.

So…. Here are some quick, important safety reminders in case things get worse.

1)  Keep the aisles clear in case of emergency. (Actually, this has not been a problem thus far, as Bears fans have usually “cleared the aisle” by about mid-third quarter).

2)  Keep your seat belt securely fastened: Definitely. In fact, if you haven’t already installed a restraining belt on your favorite sports-watching La-Z-Boy chair, now would be a good time to do so. Remember, this season could be an extremely bumpy ride, and if you are bouncing around unrestrained, the chips and the beer are gonna be spilled all over your nice family room floor (or possibly, if you’re lucky enough to have one‚ your man cave).

3)  Please familiarize yourself with the safety instruction manual: Better yet, to calm your nerves, just read some more of those glowing pre-season reports about how “This could be the year for the Bears!” and it will make you feel much better.

4)  Always know where to locate the emergency exits:  The way things are going so far, this is a must! You’d better know  “exits” like when to switch the channel to “the other game,” or quickly locate a favorite movie to watch—otherwise, you might be stuck mowing the lawn or doing long-avoided household chores. Best to be prepared in advance.

5)  If oxygen should be running low, an air mask may drop down in front of you: This could be a necessity, the way the season is going so far.   Have an emergency mask readily available to A) help your breathing after another failed fourth and 1, or B) to cover your face so friends and family members cannot so easily see your look turn from discontent to horror as things go from bad to worse for the Bears. One other reminder: If you are watching the game with kids, always put your mask on first, before assisting any younger ones, who may be struggling with their oxygen intake, too.

And finally…

Remember, ”Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.” Not sure how this helps, but I always love it when they say it on the airplane.

Now, having said all of the above, let’s get off the ledge just a bit. We are only two games in, and the new coaching staff and still-young quarterback are just getting their feet wet, so to speak.

Let’s see how it all plays out, and we will keep hoping for the best.

One final reminder: When exiting the ledge you may currently be on, please hold on to the guardrails for extra safety.

Thank you for your attention and you are now free to move about the cabin.