Pete Crow Armstrong: Seven things he cannot do

It seems these days that the Chicago Cubs’ new superstar, center fielder Pete Crow Armstrong, can do just about anything.

The current Major League Baseball MVP candidate has burst on the scene this year and become a legitimate big-time five-tool threat. He can hit for average, drive in runs, hit the long ball, and throw accurately, and he patrols his center field turf like a highly trained dog going after a Frisbee. No matter where the ball is, he is catching it before it hits the ground.

On top of all that, he seems to be a great guy, good with the fans; his teammates love him; and add to it, he has that boyish “Aw, shucks” all-American-boy looks.

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So the question then becomes, is there anything Pete Crow Armstrong can’t do?

After in-depth research and a prolonged longitudinal study (don’t ask), we were actually able to come up with seven things, specifically in Chicago, that PCA (get with the program, gang, that’s his nickname) probably can’t do.

1) Run for mayor: At this point, with his growing popularity, he could probably win! But the election schedule conflicts with the Cubs’ schedule, so we’ve probably got to count him out this time around. But not to worry—he will still get some write-in votes. 

2)  Become next police chief for the city: Our beloved and very successful current chief, Larry Snelling, is stepping down, and the city has a search committee looking for the next in line to take this all-important position. But Crow Armstrong as chief of police? Not so sure that would work out so well. Although he would be a popular choice, let’s face it, the guy is just too nice and too friendly. You gotta have a little edge to do that job. The city’s criminal underworld would likely make mincemeat of Crow Armstrong within the first few weeks. Plus, studies show, 76% of the Chicago criminal element are White Sox fans. So… another hurdle too big to jump over.

3)  Lead the famed Chicago River Boat Architecture Tours: While much of the crowd would be excited to see him behind the microphone leading their lakefront tour, describing Chicago’s finest and most interesting sights, the problem is PCA is not from Chicago. He is a Los Angeles native and grew up there. His lack of knowledge of the history and the nuances of the city would show through right away and eventually prove his downfall. He won’t get any tips at the end of that tour, but who knows? Maybe if he plays another 20 years for the Cubs, his knowledge of the city might be up to snuff and a second career could be born.

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4)  Suit up for our Chicago Bears: Once the season is over in baseball, could PCA keep the momentum going, cross over and help out our beloved football Bears? Don’t think so. Where are you going to put him?  Quarterback? Maybe, but we already got Caleb Williams. PCA would get eaten alive by angry defenders if he ever tried running the ball. Even at wide receiver, one big hit and the somewhat frail Crow Armstrong would be down for the count. He is way too small to play in the line. But wait! Maybe safety on defense? The way he catches balls in center field, he could be a decent threat back there looking for interceptions. Then again, the safety has to come up and make tackles as well, and PCA would be like a bullfighter with the cape watching runners go by.

5)  Be the featured singer at a Northerly Island rock concert: People who have heard him sing in the locker room have already told us that his singing career would go kaput long before it even started. Even worse when he sings in the shower. Although he probably could belt out a nice “Go Cubs Go” rendition… but after that, things could get ugly.

6)  Star in the musical production of “Hamilton”: Too pale, too white for that gig. That’s it. Next!

7)Run the Chicago marathon:  C’mon, let’s be honest; baseball players are not exactly cardiovascular machines. The most they run is chasing a foul ball or maybe legging out a triple, which is exactly a grand total of 270 feet of running. Trying to run the marathon? At 26.2 miles? Not a shot.  PCA would be gasping for air by the one-mile mark, and if he made it three miles, you’d have to carry him off in a stretcher.