Dad vs. David: To golf, or not to golf—that is the question

In our third installment of the soon-to-be, but not yet award-winning segment of “Dad vs. David,” we take up the great(?) game of golf.

For those new to the concept, “Dad vs. David,” features the rare father—son writing combination that is part of our Chicago Star Media team.

It is the veteran dad taking on the young whippersnapper.  Previous “Dad vs David” segments were on the nightlife scene in Chicago, and how to best watch the Super Bowl football game.  In today’s edition, we tackle the sport of golf, with the understanding that the golfing season here in Chicago has officially kicked off.

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So, here we go, and golf fans brace yourselves.

Dad:  First, let me say that I gave up on the great sport of golf about two decades ago.  I never was any good, and it took way too much time and coin—not to mention mental anguish.  I now call myself a very happy non-golfer.

David: Golf is like a needy friend or a bad insurance company, it takes a lot and gives very little back. Do you like a quiet Sunday morning...kiss those goodbye. A $700 new driver that you'll still slice onto the next fairway?...sign me up. Yet even after the worst of rounds it whispers to some of us, like the devil on our shoulder, saying next time will be different, next time you'll sink that putt, next time you won't expertly turn that birdie opportunity into a double bogie. I've never experience next time, but I'll keep trecking down this road blindly until I do.

Dad.  “The devil on your shoulder”?  I like that.  When I played the devil was on my shoulder, back, knees, feet, top of the head and few other spots we won’t talk about.

Dad:  I still call golf “a great walk ruined.”  The natural beauty of golf courses is not to be overrated.  They are exquisitely designed and the scenery without question absolutely beautiful.   As a nature lover, I love the water, the trees, the flowers, the high grass—I just didn’t like it when I kept hitting my ball into all of the above.

David: I couldn't agree more, especially for those of us living in the concrete jungle of downtown Chicago, the golf course can be a great escape from the brick and pavement. Enjoying the fresh air with friends can be one of the best parts of the sport, however, the hard part is taking the time to appreciate once the round gets started. The foliage is all fun and lovely until you've ricochet another shot off that willow tree on 12 and swear you can hear it laughing at you in the breeze. 

Dad:  And those that say they are getting some exercise playing golf?  Stop yourself.  These days very few golf venues actually let you walk.  They make you take the cart (which I do have to admit is fun to drive).  But riding the cart and then getting out and hitting the golf ball?  And then right back into the cart?  You call that exercise?  I get more exercise than that flossing my teeth.

David: Add in a couple hotdogs at the turn and a few adult beverages (aiming juice) throughout the 18 and it's tough to sell golf as a net positive on the health front mentally or physically. But hey, we'll take any excuse we can get when it comes to convincing our significant others to let us spend another weekend morning hitting our silly little ball with a silly little stick into a silly little hole.

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Dad:  By the way, would you agree with me, that there is nothing worse than the slow golfer?  The average weekend hack, who thinks he is the next coming of Tiger Woods, and has to analyze every shot from four different angles.  When I played, I always played in a hurry.  I may have been a bad golfer, but at least I was quick.

David: It can be truly agonizing when a course gets backed up by a group in front of you going slow, or someone in your foursome is taking their sweet time. It’s a tough balance to find, everyone is paying money to be out there so if you’re a serious golfer, do take the time to compose yourself before shots. However, I agree that some self-awareness goes a long way on the course, if you know you’re not a great player, it may be wise to watch your pace of play. Don't spend hours looking for your ball in the woods and be mindful of when to analyze a shot vs. when to just get up their and hit the dang thing.

Dad:  Here’s another thing;  As a fan, I find watching golf on TV about as exciting as watching a baked potato slowly “bake” while turning in a microwave for 45 minutes.  I’d rather have a tooth pulled out, “hold the Novocain,” than watch golf on TV.

David: Even as an avid sports fan, I will admit I don't follow much professional golf outside of maybe the Sunday's of major tournaments. The best compliment I can give the athletes is that they make an incredibly challenging sport look so incredibly easy that you forget the skill and degree of difficulty it takes to golf that well, that consistently, on the toughest courses in the world. I think to make things more interesting they should have at every PGA event one "average joe" golfer who participates. The juxtaposition of Rory Mccllroy going 375 yards dead fairway off the tee while Harvey Glicksteine from the local municipal course throws his club into the lake after shanking a 4th tee shot into the water would be worth tuning in for. 

Dad:  The weekend hacker playing alongside a pro?  Now that, I would watch!

Dad:  Things I would rather do on a weekend rather than go golfing:  Take a nap, paint the house, clean the gutters, babysit the neighbors kids, change the oil on the car, refurbish the snowblower, and help a friend move heavy furniture out of their apartment.  If you get the picture.

David: Those activities at the very least would be less taxing mentally. Golf has a funny way of breaking people down only to  build them back up again just enough to keep them coming back. Seventeen pain inducing holes finished off with a chip in for birdie on eighteen is a tale as old as time for golfers and leaves us just enough hope to keep us on the hook. After a particularly bad round the other week I believe I said the words "I would rather take the ACT then have to play this stupid sport ever again." 

Editor's Note: David did unfortunately end up playing golf again.

Dad:  You think someday I may “ see the light” and join the rest of my fellow retirees on the golf course?

David: Don't do it! I envy the man that has fought the golf gods and come out victorious. I battled against the rising tides for many years but ultimately the virus of golf came for me like so many young men. I fear it is too late for me, the infection has spread to fast and even the brightest minds of modern medicine have yet to find a cure. Now all that's left to do is be a warning, a caution for others stumbling down the path. Look at what I've become, I used to have promise, a future ahead of me, now I lay awake at night weighing the merits of a 7 iron from 189 out on a par 4 with a slight cross wind and go around saying things like "I made a few adjustments to my swing and think I finally figured it out."

Dad:  Ha, Ha!  Well put kid.  Your parents did a helluva job raising you.

Oh yeah...don't forget Fathers Day is coming up.  Surprise me.